I"M DISGUISTING

This post is quite personal because I’m finally putting the proverbial pen to paper and letting it all go.

 

The cricket is finally over. I can rest at last. It’s been a long two weeks. I am emotionally and physically drained. I think the biggest disappointment over the last two weeks was being told that I’m disgusting. Not all of the facts were obtained, in fact they were not even asked about. Judgement was made and that was the sentence,

 

According to my mother, the women who gave birth to me I’m disgusting and so at the age of 26 I’ve finally given up trying to please my mother. It’s harder that I ever could have ever imagined.

 

Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages. The basic premise of this book is that to show someone you love them, you do it in a way that makes sense to them. My love language is words of affirmation. Tim’s love language is physical touch. Jeremy’s I think is gifts. The long and short of it is that if you to tell me you love and appreciate me, say so in words, give Tim a hug and buy Jeremy something (again I think)

 

Words apparently have the power to speak life and death into people hearts, souls and minds. After mother’s emphatic declaration on Saturday morning, I spent the rest of the weekend in a daze. I felt like I wasn’t really there. All those people depending on me, all those journalists who knew my name and depended on me, did they think I was disgusting to? I felt unreal. Smiling and laughing happily and putting on a brilliant show. All the while wondering if those people also thought I was fake, did they also think I was disgusting?

 

 

So if I seem overtly sensitive, If I seem like I’m trying to hard, if I come across as being entirely unsure of myself and trying to hard to please, it’s because I’m still reeling.  

 

A lot of people may be angered by me putting this on my blog. I don’t really care actually if this offends anyone. Dr Seuss said that the people who mind don’t matter and the people who matter don’t mind. Perhaps it’s not very relevant for this situation but well do I really look like I care?

 

Oh and by the way I’m disgusting because of magazines that I didn’t buy and requesting something that I asked to be returned to me. If there is anything I learnt from this whole episode, it’s that you really can’t trust anybody. There’s no such thing as in-confidence anymore.

 

So a word to the wicked:

Keep all your secrets to your self

 

It turns out for those of you who are unaware that there are perks to being a volunteer. This is one of them. It was very exciting doing this. Yep that’s me next to Mahendra.

It’s been a tiring last two weeks. Emotionally there’s been a lot to deal with. If you saw the last post that was deleted, well I did that because I decided it was something personal.

The tournament is almost over and I’m looking forward to the up coming public holiday and a good session at gym. I’m also looking forward to a decent home cooked meal and a decent solid 8 hours of sleep.
I have to say though despite the late hours and the working of two jobs, I’ve had the time of my life. This is an experience of a life time and I loved it.

Prelim draws here I come.

grumble

The next three days are going to be tiring and very very exciting. Today marks the start of the very first Twenty20 Cricket World Championship. It’s an event that I am very proud to be part of. Unfortunately the timing of the wonderful experience could not have been worse.

At my current job, we are busy preparing for the second Master Class this year. This requires a lot of effort and pain. For the life of me I can not understand the South African attitude to research and information in general. It’s almost a though someone somewhere along the line declared that all research and information was entirely useless and that they all had to plod along unsuspecting and without a clue.

 

Information is important and research is vital to understanding the world. Anyone who has ever watched an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is aware of how helpful research can be.

 

So I am at a loss in terms of understanding the South African attitude. I honestly really don’t get it. And perhaps that is the source of my frustration with my current job. I see the value of the service we provide and I do not understand why few other people do.  

 

 

random things

This is for the random things that are taking up space in my head.

 

1)      I wonder if Munro du Toit will be able to make it to the end of Idols.

2)      How come there was kykNet Idols and there is KykNet but there is no South African Channels dedicated to other race groups? I want to be on Indian idols!

3)      Why are the last twenty minutes of the work day going by so slowly?

4)      Who will win the T20 match between India and Pakistan?

 

I think my pet peeve at the moment is wondering who is the infinite wisdom thought it would be a good idea to stage the first ever T20 Cricket World Cup during the Rugby World Cup?

 

Attention is divided. Anyone who enjoys both cricket and rugby will hopefully not be happy.

 

checkerboard?

People who know me are aware of my views on racism intended and unintended. The reality of life is that all ethnic groups see things differently. What can be considered perceived by one group of people is not necessarily untrue for another group. Everyone is aware of our bloody and violent history and yes it true that all of this is behind us now. But if you look closely you can see the fine lines, the cracks in the plaster of democracy and racial unity in South Africa.

 

Whether you want to admit or not racism is still alive and well in South Africa. Entirely covert but it is still there. You can’t wipe out years of oppressive thinking in just over a decade and to be truthful there are groups of people in South Africa who do still believe that the country rightfully belongs to them because they made it possible for roads and buildings and everything else that comprises the concrete jungle.

 

So what brought this on? My trip to Joe Cools on Saturday night. Here is it in black and white from someone who does not believe in pulling the race card crap.

 

I find some of the patrons at Joe Cool’s Racist.

 

If you are white and you find this offensive, too bad because I found the looks of hostility directed towards me also very offensive. Just in case anyone was wondering I could actually see you looking at me.

 

The question I suppose is do I care?

 

Yes I do. I do actually care because I would like the freedom to go where I want to without feeling uncomfortable. I paid the same as everyone else to get in there and I’m annoyed that I wasn’t as welcome as everybody else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

the end of the week

It’s been interesting and slightly stressful few days. The biggest thing was that my boss at my current job wanted me to stay till the 8^th of October and the new company wanted me to start on the 1^st so there was a bit of a tug of war that I was involved in. Personally from a financial point of view I think it would have made more sense to start of a new job at the beginning of a new month. It just helps in avoiding all that pro rata nonsense. But well I suppose they will have people to handle all of that.

 

I am looking forward to this weekend. Tomorrow night a friend and I are going to celebrate our new jobs along with a whole lot of other people. She wasn’t always a friend but I think that was more circumstantial than anything. The bridging of this particular gap has left me with a sense of fulfilment.  I’m thinking that finally at the tender age of 26, I’m maturing. Only a little though. The thing is that I’ve come to the conclusion that there were forces at work that did not really want us to be friends. One of those forces also went around telling people that I was so very much in love with him WHILE I was planning my wedding. Who knew? Apparently everybody but me. Clearly I was too busy with the wedding.

 

Well I feel like the hatched has been buried and I’m glad. This is just another example of things going well.

 

One thing that is not going so well is tae bo.

 

Let me elaborate. Tae bo is lovely and fast passed and one of the best cardio work outs in my opinion. There are all sorts of kicks and punches and jab and all that. Occasionally there are routines. Routines that involve fancy footwork things that you need to pay attention to. Now anyone who knows me knows I’m on the less fit side of the fence. So the routines sometimes kill me. More often than not I feel like an elephant stomping around trying to do these apparently complicated routines. An added annoyance is that the routines change every class. I only ever manage to get the hang of it by the end of the class and when I come back the next time I have to start from scratch.

 

As annoying and frustrating as it is, I will however stand and take a bow for sticking with it. I’m getting used to pain. Supposedly it makes you stronger. Yes well that’s only if you don’t DIE first.

 

 

the first day of the rest of your life

Everyday can be the first day of the rest of your life.

 

In the last few weeks I've been taking steps to get my life going. sometimes honestly I do feel like I'm missing something, as though life just passed me by and I never took the steps to grab hold and take plunge. Maybe that's the reason I'm an avid supporter of the lifestyle Jeremy has embraced which as all of you may know has been the source of endless discussion. Some may argue that perhaps I'm trying to live vicariously through my brother.

 

Well just to put the record straight - I'm not. I just want him to experience all that life has to offer. Within limits of course. If Jeremy or any of my family for that matter ever do something so stupid, it warrents a visit to the nearest psyce ward, they'll hear about it ... loudly. (that includes you!)

 

But that is not what this post is about. In the last few weeks I've been putting into place steps to rectify that situation. Tae bo and going back onto the diet with a vengence, make lifestyle plans and changes and today the biggest event of them all - signing my letter of appointment to my new job.

 

I start on the 1st of October as the new Juniour Account Executive for Primedia @Home. This is an excellent move for me. I've really been feeling like I've been stagnating and just waving as life passed me by in the last few months so this is almost like drinking from the fountain of youth for me.

 

So today is the first day of the rest of my life. A life filled with the satisfaction of knowing that i'm not sitting on my butt but actually going out there are doing something worthwhile.