Monday morning

It’s a chilly Monday morning here. The sun is shining but there is a definite chill in the air. There are man things on my mind this morning. Today is a week since the death of Wendy Ralph. Yesterday the church mourned with the Ralph family and then at tea celebrated the birthday of the indomitable Jaco Bester. It’s amazing how life moves on. How even in profound sadness we find things to rejoice about.

 

The previous week was church camp and out of that a lot of controversy arouse. The main speaker spoke about a number of things that some Christians think are wrong like smoking and tattoos. On Sunday our pastor rehashed out the issue with the church. He didn’t agree with everything the speaker at church camp and it amazed me to hear him repeat many things that my brother said to me in a conversation regarding some his habits on Friday night. So there are a lot of things that I am thinking about clearly and very deeply in my current drugged (flu meds) state.

 

The truth is that I come from a legalistic church background. Everything was bad. Make-up, jewellery, pants, movies, TV – everything. And while I had a great deal of freedom, I lived a very sheltered life. Today at 25, I feel cheated. I never got the chance to experience life as I wanted to. I never got the chance to do a great deal of things because I was and I guess still am afraid of what everybody will think of me. For a long time I lead a double life. One person at school or on campus and another at home or on weekends and how I wish I had the freedom to express myself as I was. Everything that I was interested was wrong. The legalistic church school that I went to succeeded in making me feel as though me as a person was wrong and bad and for many years I wanted to be something that I was not. I wanted to be what they thought was good which was the complete opposite of what God made me.

 

It has taken years and countless hours of prayer for me to break from that. Till this year I’ve never been comfortable wearing make-up or lipstick even and even now while I don’t wear it everyday, I do put it on when the occasion calls for it.

 

 

Two preaches helped me break out of my shell. They were almost a year apart

The one was one our pastor preached about having a future, cutting the chains that bind. He told the story of a tortoise that had somehow got a ring around the middle of its shell and how it had changed the shape of the shell, and he went on to say that if you cut the ring of, the shape may not change straight away but the tortoise now has a future and a chance to grow. More so than is the ring had not been cut off.

This was the first big thing.

 

The second was a sermon by his wife over a year later. She was preaching about raising little girls with the fruit of the spirit. It struck me that the opposite of gentleness was harshness and the opposite of kindness was cruelty and that I was neither or those things. And the personality I do have makes me neither harsh or cruel.

 

It’s not easy getting up after many years of feeling crushed and it’s taken a great deal of time for me to feel completely comfortable with myself all the time and I walked on many roads to get here.

 

So what am I trying to say?

At the end of the day as long as your heart is in the right place and you are not sinning against God - go and be free. Live the life you were meant to and have all the fun you want to. Just never loose sight of the goal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Diet: DAY TWO

the whole thing about being on a diet is beginning to make sense to me. I am doing this for empowerment … sort of. I still need to workon some stuff judging by my behaviour yesterday. (I really want to forget about it) but I do believe that things will get better as time goes by.

One thing that  has crossed my mind is that I will be saving a ton of money by not having so much take out.

 

So far for today I have kept up eating all meals as I should.

 

Tonight is party night

 

Congratualtions to ME

 

Yellow Lemon Tree - Fool's Garden

We must not forget the things of when we were younger. I remember driving past the petrol station and the KFC along the windy road to my aunt’s house singing this song.  Such a sad song with such a catchy tune

               I'm sitting here in a boring room

               it's just another rainy Sunday afternoon

               I'm wasting my time, I got nothing to do

               I'm hanging around, I'm waiting for you 

               but nothing ever happens

               and I wonder (why)

               I'm driving around in my car

               I'm driving too fast and I'm driving too far

               I'd like to change my point of view

               I feel so lonely, I'm waiting for you 

               but nothing ever happens

               and I wonder (why)

               I wonder how, I wonder why

               yesterday you told me about that blue blue sky

               and all that I can see

               is just a yellow lemon tree

               I'm turning my head up and down 

               I'm turn it turn it turn it turn it turn it around

               and all that I can see

               is just another lemon tree

               (sing: ta da da da di da da, 

                               ta ta ta ti da ta 

                               dap di ti ti tam)

               I'm sitting here, I miss a pal

               I'd like to go out, taking a shower

               but there's a heavy cloud inside my head

               I feel so tired, put myself into bed

               well, nothing ever happens

               and I wonder (why)

               Isolation is not good for me

               Isolation.. 

               I don't want to sit on the lemon tree

               I'm stepping around in a desert of joy

               maybe anyhow I get another toy

               and everything will happen'

               and you wonder (why)

               I wonder how, I wonder why

               yesterday you told me about that blue blue sky

               and all that I can see

               is just another lemon tree

               I'm turning my head up and down 

               I'm turn it turn it turn it turn it turn it around

               and all that I can see

               is just a yellow lemon tree

               And I wonder, I wonder..

               I wonder how, I wonder why

               yesterday you told me about that blue blue sky

               and all that I can see

               and all that I can see

               and all that I can see

               is just a yellow lemon tree

 

 

 

IT BEGINS

There was just a huge giant bumble bee in my office. I hate bees.

 

Yesterday was the first day of my new diet. I went to a dietician and got a whole eating plan and am going to stick to it – the power of positive thinking. My diet started very shakily yesterday. To begin with I did not have all the things I am supposed to so technically on the first day – I cheated. But I’m moving on. There really was nothing I could do about any of that. Today is a much better day mostly because of my shopping spree yesterday. I had to go shoppping for all the things I am allowed to have mainly fruit. After all I really don’t want to starve.

 

So yesterday meals were

Breakfast: 2/3 cup all bran flakes with ½ cup milk 

Mod morning snack: 1 cup coffee with sugar

Lunch: 2 slices white bread with two ham slices

Mid afternoon snack: 45g Bfast with ½ cup milk

Super: 1 cup brown rice with a mixed veg and a piece of fish.

 

It might then be just a better idea all around to can yesterday and have today Thursday 25^th April 2007 as the first day of my diet.

 

 

Today the meal plan is as follow:-

 

Breakfast: 1 cup all bran flakes with ½ cup low fat milk and 1 sweetener.

Mid morning snack: 1 cup fruit salad

Lunch: 2 slices of wheat bread with 30g tuna and ½T yo-naise and a can of sugar free ginger ale

Mid afternoon snack: 1 apple and two naartjies. (I may just have 1 apple and one naartjie)

Supper: roast chicken with accompaniments

 

My mother is cooking supper for me on account of how I have finally graduated from my honours degree. I have told her about me new diet and my freedoms and restrictions.

 

I am not allowed any sugar of any kind at all. I am now having sweetener. I’m allowed 14 tablets a day. I’m going to try only having half of that. So far today I’ve had one but I can live without it. Yesterday I had no sugar with my bran flakes and it wasn’t too bad. So I can deal with not having it in there. Pronutro will be another story though.

 

I must admit that I am very apprehensive about this. Can I do it? I’m not sure. But I do know that have some great people supporting me in this quest and to each of them I am very grateful.

 

As with all new and exciting developments I will keep you posted

BLUE MONDAY?

The dark ones who eternal in damnation grow
Set about me now
How they whine and crow
I am solo
In this world of wet
And bitter is my temperament
I close the door to sentiment
And I relish all my youth
I realize that I am doomed

This is how I feel at the moment. These words summarise how I feel perfectly. It’s the thought of moving yet again. I want to just stay in one place. I was settled where we were, I even bought curtains that I like. Now it all has to change and while I don’t mind change … for the sake of sanity can we please just slow down.

 

Everything has happened so fast and I can’t help but feel that somewhere along the line I missed something.

 

I’ve added some DVD’s to my Jet Li collection but have not had a chance to watch them. They’re probably going to be dubbed and how I hate that. Subtitles people … embrace them. But hey at 50 bucks a DVD you get what you pay for.

I’m in a very contemplative mood today,

 

Last night on the way to my graduation I found out that a lady I know had died the day before. There I was in pretty clothes with nicely done hair and a made up face while friends of mine cried over the loss of their mother.

 

It’s really actually not very fair. I do understand that death is apart of life but why does it have to be so painful? I remember when we were younger and one of my teachers died, we weren’t allowed to cry. How do you do that? How do you not mourn for losing someone? More often than not the crying is more for yourself than anything.

 

I believe that you should cry for as long as you like in one sitting. Then move on. Grief is a part of death and life.

 

 

THE WEEKEND

There are many things that happened across this weekend that I wish I had actually noted down so that I could remember them a little more accurately. Anyway it was a lovely weekend. I really did enjoy myself. I think one of the best parts of the weekend was finding out that Brad and Christy were going to have a baby.

 

Today I am a little more subdued. I am very tired and I have a relatively very full day ahead of me. I have an appointment with a dieticians and then going to get my hair done because later today is my graduation. I’m very nervous.

 

I thought I had a lot more to say but I guess I was wrong.

 

 

 

 

Google ROCKS

Just click on it

 

 

http://today.reuters.com/News/ArticleBlog.aspx?type=technologyNews&w1=B7ovpm21IaDoL40ZFnNfGe&w2=B82x9Ksc5UNVzDjpITcIrRbi&src=blogBurst_technologyNews&bbPostId=Cz28m6hltnbtBCzBMqbu8JE3r8CzCTohHGtfxB2CzBlFLa3i5w3N

 

 

 

the end

Now that is all seems to be over. I seem to be crashing really really hard. Exhaustion is taking over and I’m finding it a bit difficult to stay awake or think coherently. Do you think I will be okay for the drive home?

 

All the people I have called today are not available.

There is a treason at sea

Occasionally you come across something that really actually speaks to you OUTLOUD. this is one of those for me

 

I am solo in this world of water
Only the tip of a sunrise visible
Like the morning light in a little girls eyes
I crave this freedom
I find it only in this little ship
Just my soul and this bread and butter
I am comfortable
But there is a treason at sea
Is it me?
It is a wonder, supernatural cover of war
The dark ones who eternal in damnation grow
Set about me now
How they whine and crow
I am solo
In this world of wet
And bitter is my temperament
I close the door to sentiment
And I relish all my youth
I realize that I am doomed
Fear of love and fear of you
But you give me the keys to paradise
It is you who sympathize
You and your perfection grow
I am cradled in your oceans throw
I crave your freedom in this little ship
For you alone can chart my trip
And like these waves I lose my grip
And I sink into your arms

It's DONE

After much thought and wondering and looking; we have found a place to move into. A townhouse. We are moving into a freestanding house in a gated complex. It has two bedrooms; a bathroom and a loft. I really like the loft.

 

We need a large rug for the up there. The rooms have built in cupboards. The second bedroom is small but can still fit a single bed in for people who want to stay over.

 

They grr thing is that we finally for curtain for our current place and now we have to get new ones all over again. Well I’m sure we can get something nice and suitable. There is also a garage for my car.

 

It’s a bit shabby looking at the moment but they are going to clean it up and make it all look really lovely. I’m going to have making it beautiful. No one will have to walk through our bedroom to go to the bathroom anymore.

 

One thing is for certain. It’s gonna need to really good clean.

if all the rain drops ...

Today it is cold and rainy outside. I’ve always felt like on days like these God is actually telling us to take some time out. Just chill and relax for while. Don’t worry about anything. Just cuddle up nice and warm in our bed and sleep the day away.

 

 Back in the days of my part time job I would have done exactly that but now I am dragging myself out of bed waay to early in the morning, getting into my car and meandering along to sit in my office and work.

There is something satisfying about having the same routine as most of the general public. Sitting here though I can’t help but think about all the pour souls that are out there with no jerseys or anything to keep them warm.  Nobody ever said it would be and easy life but it doesn’t take a lot to wish it just wasn’t sooo very hard.

 

The search for a place to live continues, the flat at gatway is available again but so is another potentially lovely place that we have not seen yet.

 

We have to make a decision by three o clock today.

 

Forced decisions are never easy.

STORM

There was just a really intense storm going on here. There is still some thunder floating around. I like storms but I prefer to be warm and safe in bed when then arrive.

 

I also don’t have any socks with me and my toes are cold. Actually right now I am a bit cold.

harsh and bright

In my office the light always flickers. It’s strange. There are two of them. Those long fluorescent lights that are harsh and always waaaay to bright.

The one goes on exactly like it should and stays that way. The other flickers on and off. It really is actually very annoying. It just flickers. The only solution is to switch off the lights and then switch it back on. Repeat process as many times as necessary until both bright harsh fluorescent lights stay on.

 

Harsh and bright. Those two words together never fail to remind me about Buffy season six when she was brought back.                   

 

So the search for a flat continues. One of the options was taken away from us yesterday but another has presented itself this morning. I think I might really like that one a great deal. I haven’t seen yet so my opinions are based on what I’ve heard. It did sound lovely though.

 

I will post pics as soon as I have them.

 

Apparently there is a loft bedroom type place. I’m thinking Library with my lovely bookcase.

Bittersweet Symphony

My beloved and I have to move house because our land lords have sold their home and are moving to the UK because there is nothing left for them here. So the battle has begun. Except this time it’s a lot more involved.

Since being married in December 2004 my beloved and I have moved house 4 times. So we really actually juts want to be settled and not have to move.

 

At present there are two places in the running. A stunning two bedroom flat at Gateway – to rent or to buy a tiny little flat in the heart of Durban North. These decisions are never easy and you need to look way into the future to try and determine an outcome.

 

Both have really good cons and pro. Like we have always been told property is an investment and it will be really cool to have our place even if it is a sectional title thing.

 

We’ll have to see what happens

 

 

 

 

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah

You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?

 

 

and in the news today ...

Apparently Britney Spears is in the running to be the next female on the arm of Prince William.

 

 

like that will ever happen.

 

 

Many things happen at once

It’s true you know. Generally a million things happen all at the same time. Well with the exception of fight scenes in the movies. There each of the bad guys stands around patiently awaiting his turn to get beaten up by the star of the movie.

 

On Saturday night I watched what is being called Jet Li’s last martial class master piece – Fearless. It was a good movie. There was actually a choice between that and 300 and while the Spartan six-pack might be something to see, the brilliant Jet Li is my first priority.

 

Of course Saturday itself was a bit not nice because we have been asked to move out of out flat. We have a lovely beautiful flat that makes us very happy. So now the hunt for a new place has begun and let’s be honest. That specific hunt is never ever nice.

 

Beloved and I have seen three places already; one that we may be able to buy. But we will have to wait and see what happens.

 

Today is Monday. Friday is church camp and then next Monday is my graduation and next Friday I want to PARTY PARTY PARTY

 

strange things

Right now my computer is a bit screwy so I’m typing this out in a notepad document.

I had the strangest dream last night. Somehow a huge chunk of my hair got cut off and I couldn't have it curled for graduation. Also parts of the dream were my aunt and uncle. She wanted to by books and my uncle wanted my opinion on whether it was a good idea or not.

 

The week has really been a strange one. As you may or may not have notice I've been a bit under the weather. I’ve actually been that way for a month now. On Sunday will be a month since my beloved's car got stolen and it was really hard to adjust. Since December I had my own little baby, she was all mine and then ... I had to share. Right then I was back at square one. Gosh it was a killer.

 

Anyway for the last two days I have had my baby to myself. I kindly requested that my beloved make other arrangements to get to work. Pearl and I needed to re-affirm our bond.

So last night when we left my mom's I went screaming down the M41 9or at least I think it's the m41) in my little gumball car I got up to 130Km's per hour. Beloved next to me was squirming but speed not only kills, it thrills beyond all else as well.

 

Don’t worry though, other than the freeway I kept to below the speed limit ... mostly :)

 

When we go to the traffic lights at gateway I put peddle to the floor and got to the bridge before all the other cars. It was exhilarating.

When we got home beloved and I had a nice chat about being reckless.

Now I'm not saying that I’m gonna go speeding like crazy every time I need to go anywhere, I’m just saying that when there are not other cars on the roads, what’s the harm in a little thrill? I will not and always maintain that I was in perfect control of the car.

 

On other news, assignment 1 has been handed in. Afrikaans. I’m pretty sure I will do perfectly well. I’m on my way to becoming a teacher.  HA.

Also beloved and I may have to move … again. Trust me that is one thing that I am not looking forward to. I don’t like anywhere else. I like my flat and I want to stay there. Hold thumbs that we get to stay. Anybody who has ever seen my flat agrees that it’s a lovely lovely place.

 

But that’s all for now. Must get back to reality.

 

 

 

Chocolate Covered Breakfast Bars

The one that I had this morning contained the calcium content at least 100ml of milk and a 30g serving of a wheat free multigrain toasted cereal. And the entire bar weighed 25g. Hmmm. Something somewhere was cut.

 

I’m pretty sure however that there is some health law that states “Thou shalt not have chocolate for breakfast.”

Alas I need the daily chocolate intake and I’ve been told a billion times that breakfast in the most important meal of the day.

 

I have an appointment with a dietician in just a little while. I wonder if she going to put a stop to my lovely little delights.

As I Am Now

It has been a really long weekend with a lot of conflicting emotions. I think I understand now more than ever the absolute desolation one can feel. Since Wednesday I feel as though I have been striving towards some unattainable goal that everybody but me seems to know about. I seem to be floundering around like a fish out of water trying desperately to reach water. Perhaps we do want too much. Maybe what we think is good is really actually not.

 

I do feel as though it is time for some serious contemplation on where we wish to go and how do we get there.

 

I am beginning to think perhaps it is time to move on. Just let it all go. I do feel that the efforts I make are not really appreciated and I keep trying and trying and trying to please everyone and then when there is not even a slight bit of acknowledgement in return, I do indeed feel slighted. I do know that you’re not supposed to do things for people to get something back and that isn’t my reason for doing anything. But at the same time I feel that perhaps one should at least say thank you. It’s polite after all isn’t it?

 

 

But then maybe I am sitting in this little world all on my own assigning amounts of importance to people. And I think that maybe I am just as important to them as they are to me and the truth is that it isn’t so. This all probably reads like a long pity party and oh bloody hell she’s just a whiner. But all I think I’m really trying to do is understand. I’m trying to understand where I fit and if I belong. If I don’t then for heaven’s sake put me out of my misery and just tell me. Tell me so that I can stop making the effort and move on. Honestly it’s tiring.

 

 

Mmm Bop

            Does any body remember this?  

                       

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You're going through all this pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
And they're gone so fast
So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
When you get old and start losing your hair
Can you tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care
Mmm bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du
Mmm bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba du dop
Ba du bop, ba du dop
Ba du
Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows
It's a secret no one knows
It's a secret no one knows

(repeat chorus)

In an mmm bop they're gone.
In an mmm bop they're not there.
In an mmm bop they're gone.
In an mmm bop they're not there.
Until you lose your hair. but you don't care.

(repeat chorus)

Can you tell me? you say you can but you don't know.
Can you tell me which flower's going to grow?
Can you tell me if it's going to be a daisy or a rose?
Can you tell me which flower's going to grow?
Can you tell me? you say you can but you don't know.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

To my dearest brother.

 

Happy birthday.

 

You come a long way baby and I am very proud of you. Keep pushing the buttons. Don’t let any look down on you or hold you back.

 

I remember when you used to say that you never wanted to be mediocre.

You aren’t.

 

You never could be.

 

 

 

A brother shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams.  ~Author Unknown

over-reacting

Why do we over react? Simple things seem to just throw us over the edge? Human emotions are a strange and fragile thing. The last few days have been a bit taught. Easter is coming up and so is the church presentation and then there is church camp and to add to it all, I have been weighed down by things I don’t understand.

 

I understand now more than ever what it means to say that one could be in a room full or people and still be alone. My perceptions on a great many things are being challenged. Is it possible to see things wrong? I think yes and no.

 

To say that YES, sometimes we can see the wrong thing is obvious but often times it’s because we do not always have all the facts. But if things are hidden from you, whose fault it is?

 

To say NO, is being entirely full of oneself and not allowing for the simply thing called the “HUMAN FACTOR”

 

Suffice to say unfortunately it cannot be avoided and in addition one never really realises that one is over-reacting until after it’s all been done.  

The Cover of the Last Book

The cover of the last book

You have NO idea how excited I am.

a captivating subject

Every notice how the phone rings when you’re in the bath or on the toilet or (my personal favour) having a good shag and then you forced to answer it starkers?

 

 

I’ve taken to switching my phone to silent to avoid offending myself.

 

 

It’s even worse when the person on the other side goes – “So what you’re doing?”

 

 

How do you answer?