As I Am Now

It has been a really long weekend with a lot of conflicting emotions. I think I understand now more than ever the absolute desolation one can feel. Since Wednesday I feel as though I have been striving towards some unattainable goal that everybody but me seems to know about. I seem to be floundering around like a fish out of water trying desperately to reach water. Perhaps we do want too much. Maybe what we think is good is really actually not.

 

I do feel as though it is time for some serious contemplation on where we wish to go and how do we get there.

 

I am beginning to think perhaps it is time to move on. Just let it all go. I do feel that the efforts I make are not really appreciated and I keep trying and trying and trying to please everyone and then when there is not even a slight bit of acknowledgement in return, I do indeed feel slighted. I do know that you’re not supposed to do things for people to get something back and that isn’t my reason for doing anything. But at the same time I feel that perhaps one should at least say thank you. It’s polite after all isn’t it?

 

 

But then maybe I am sitting in this little world all on my own assigning amounts of importance to people. And I think that maybe I am just as important to them as they are to me and the truth is that it isn’t so. This all probably reads like a long pity party and oh bloody hell she’s just a whiner. But all I think I’m really trying to do is understand. I’m trying to understand where I fit and if I belong. If I don’t then for heaven’s sake put me out of my misery and just tell me. Tell me so that I can stop making the effort and move on. Honestly it’s tiring.